Worn

When I am down, and discouraged, or when I have had one disappointment too many, or maybe I'm mad at the world and at God, and I want to know why I should go any farther, this is the song I go to. It is the cry of my heart as I beg my Father to hear me and see me and acknowledge that this path we are on sucks really bad, and it isn't fair. Worn, by Tenth Avenue North is a song that expresses the feelings of my heart perfectly on a night like tonight. "I'm tired, I'm worn. My heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing." Yes, I'm worn. I'm tired, and I want all this mess to go away. The song goes on to say later, "my soul feels crushed by the weight of this world." This song wouldn't be the beautiful song it is, though without the message of hope that comes next "I know that you can give me rest, so I cry out with all that I have left." When I reach that point, it is not pretty. I spend some time raging and storming at God, begging and demanding by turn that he fix this. Tears stream down my cheeks as I write, because I'm not proud of how I have let my faith take such a beating, but all we need to do is read the Psalms to know that the man who wrote the beautiful Psalm 23 also wrote some other not so beautiful things. He was angry and he let God know. But he always ended his sad and angry psalms on a note that spoke of how God would continue to hold him and heal him and he would continue to put his faith in the only One powerful enough to save the world. And that brings me to the next words of the song that lift me up so. "Let me see redemption win. Let me know the struggle ends, that you can mend a heart that's frail and torn. I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life, and all that's dead inside can be reborn. Cause I'm worn...." There is so much more to the song, and I could go on and on about how this song blesses me. I feel triumphant when I sing the lines in the chorus. I feel God putting a hand on my shoulder, and wrapping me up in a spiritual hug. And when I'm done listening to that song, I move on to Colton Dixon's Through All of It, "life's been a journey, I've seen joy, I've seen regret, but You have been my God through all of it." And then I listen to Jeremy Camp's "He Knows", "He knows! He knows! Let your burdens come undone, lift your eyes up to the One who knows..." I don't know what the song writers have gone through to write these beautiful lyrics, but I know they are an example of the beauty that can rise from the ashes. Jeremy Camp's early songs were written after the loss of his wife to cancer. Casting Crowns' lead singer had his own battle with cancer recently. I don't know what God has in store for us. All I can see is the fragments of what was our future laying at our feet. I don't see the beauty in our situation. But, the words of Casting Crowns "Just Be Held" comes to mind. "Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place. I'm on the throne, stop holding on, and just be held."  

This day has been hard for me. I spent 7 hours sitting in a waiting room waiting for Martin to see 2 different doctors and fill out a lot of paper work. It reminded me far too much of all the waiting that I did those first days after the accident. Then at the end, the doctor made the declaration that Martin would not be starting work until at least March. That kind of took the wind out of our sails since he was supposed to start his first day tomorrow. I know this is for the best because his headaches have increased greatly in the last few months, but I was so praying and hoping that this would be the answer we so desperately needed. And maybe it is, it's just not the fast answer I wanted. Now we spend some more time waiting, so maybe it's time to let go, and just be held... ..